Preposterous Postscript Parables of Prodigious Proportion
by VampireApple
Summary: Pepper is Not a Glorified Baby-Sitter (Yes She Is), Harry Potter Joke, Soul Sucking Gingers, Domestic Troubles.


Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to the Avengers or anytime Marvel related.

. . . . .

**Pepper is Not a Glorified Baby-Sitter (Yes She Is)**

"Tony, if you put that mass of filth on the table I will have all the grease stains taken out of your shirts. "

"Clint, if you are going to target practice inside then get spackle and fix the holes afterwards."

"Steve, _that_ does not belong _there_."

"Bruce, so help me, if you do not go to bed I will shoot you with a tranquilizer."

"Thor, I love you, but if you ask me one more question I might just brain you."

"Phil. Stop scaring my interns."

"Fury, I acknowledge that you've made the decision to have the Avengers attend a spur of the moment meeting during the first breakfast we've had together in _three weeks_, but given that it's a stupid ass decision I've elected to ignore it."

"Natasha, would you like to have some coffee with me?"

**Ginger**

"Guys!" Tony yelled as he burst into the dining room "I know how to get rid of every bad guy ever!"

Bruce, Clint, Thor and Steve stared at him. His eyes were slightly (very) bloodshot, his clothes were messy and he was covered in grease, grim and gross.

"Tony, when was the last time you slept?" Thor asked with great concern.

Tony waved a hand at him. "Like, only two days. Or five. That's not important. The is-"

"Have you eaten anything recently?" Steve interrupted.

Tony's look on incomprehension spoke for him. "Listen! So, we just need Pepper and Natasha, right?"

Four sets of eyes stared at him, completely lost.

"Siiiiigh."

"Did he just say the word sigh instead of actually sighing?" Clint muttered to Bruce.

"Look, they're both gingers, right? So, they don't have souls. So, they can't die. So, they can break into the bad guy's lair with no problem. They can be all like 'this isn't even our final form' and then they can fuse into a giant dementor and everybody dies." Tony looked very proud of himself. "Alright, so, you guys work on that. I've got to get back to stuff and things." He spun on his heel and left the room.

Bruce stood up "I'm going to go find a tranq gun."

**Joke**

"Hey, you guys want to hear a Harry Potter Joke?" Clint asked.

"This is an odd time to ask," Bruce felt compelled to point out.

"He's just stalling," Tony waved his cards.

It was the Guys Poker Game Night Ritual. The five had been reluctant at first to play together but the silly binding thing actually worked. Poker was the bonding agent in all male rituals, apparently. They were all very good bluffers, each in their own way. It was Thor who won the games more often than not. Prizes were not in money, but in a very complicated form of favors. Types of favors were assigned ratings on a scale of one to ten. The higher the rating the higher the value of the favor. Favors could not be voided or nulled, unless it violated on of the Rules, which was another complex system.

"I would like to hear this Harry Potter joke," Thor stated. He quiet enjoyed the saga of the young wizard.

"After this hand," Steve said.

Silence reined until a smug Bruce pulled in his winnings.

"Okay, you guys ready?" Clint asked. Everyone nodded.

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"You know."

"You know who?" There was a pause. Steve, Tony, Bruce and Thor burst out laughing.

"That is so simple, but brilliant," Tony had tears in his eyes.

Clint glared at them. "The joke isn't over."

The four tried to calm themselves with various degrees of success.

"Go on," Steve stifled a giggle. "Do it again."

Clint glared a little more before speaking.

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"You know."

"You-Know-Who?" More snickers and giggles.

"Exactly. Avada kedavra!"

Everyone burst out laugh.

**Fear**

There were very few things that scared Tony Stark and even fewer that he would admit. When a woman could break your neck with her legs, you might die happy but you'd still be dead. So when said woman asks for a favor you do it, no questions asked. Thus Tony Stark became a foot pedestal for Natasha while she painted her toes. He didn't even react when Clint mocked him and took pictures. The archer only stopped because he respected Stark's dedication. The cool look Natasha gave him, reminding him that he'd been in the same position before, had nothing to do with it.

**Food**

Bruce appreciated the fact that Tony cared about him eating. All his life food had been a precious thing, and the majority of the time he didn't know where his next meal was going to come from. First it was strange that Tony kept offering him food, then endearing. Now it was bordering on obnoxious. The last straw was him getting the rest of the team to feed him as well. At first he didn't notice, they were very subtle compared to Tony. He finally caught on when Thor offered him an apple, and when he didn't take it Thor shoved it in his mouth.

He couldn't say no to Steve, because, honestly, who could? As for Natasha, he had a healthy survival sense, so that was a no go. And Thor was just so enthusiastic, it would be like beating a puppy. For all his brash Clint was actually pretty shy and self-contained, so Bruce didn't want to ruin the overtures of friendship with him. At least they always picked out foods that he liked, observant people that they were.

Okay, maybe food was their was way of showing friendship. He had his own ways, tailored to each person. Maybe it wasn't so bad. The next time Tony offered him a peach Bruce took it and allowed himself to feel the love.

**Saying**

"The first bird might get the worm," Tony started.

"But the second mouse gets the cheese," Bruce finished.

**Phone Call**

Clint was just about to punch his captive when his cellphone rang. His froze, his fist three inches from the guy's face. The guy opened one eye from his wince to look at Clint. Clint sighed. He stood up and walked over to stand by Natasha, who was giving him a look of disapproval for being so unprofessional.

"Its our team phone," he defended himself as he answered. "Hello?"

"Clint." Steve's voice was filled with disapproval.

"What?"

"Where is the foie gras?"

"… the what?"

An aggravated sigh. "The stuff you said looked like cat food."

"Oh. Yeah. What about it?"

"Where. Is. It."

Clint looked at Natasha. She raised an eyebrow at him. "Gone?"

"Gone." A pause. "You ate it?"

"…"

The guy tied to the chair laughed. Clint gave him a dirty look.

"After I told you to leave it alone, you ate it."

"It was an accident?"

Natasha snorted. Clint was wise enough not to glare at her.

"Look, I'm in the middle of working. Can't you call Bruce? I bet he knows the best place to get some more."

"He's in Mongolia, doing important work-"

"And what I'm going isn't important?"

"-And I'm in the middle of something so I can't go get more. Dinner is ruined and its your fault. No chocolate mousse for you." Steve hung up.

Natasha smirked at him.

The guy laughed again and grinned at Clint. "Domestic troubles?"

Clint grabbed one of his arrows and walked over to him. "I'm in a bad mood. I really like chocolate mousse. So I'm just going to stab you with this until you start talking."

"Its your own fault," Natasha was moved to comment. _She_ would get chocolate mousse tonight.

Clint glared at her before he started stabbing.

. . . . . .

For the Phone Call I really wanted use the word interrogtee instead of captive, but apparently it isn't a word.

Also, for the Harry Potter joke, that's basically what happened when my friend told our group of friends.


End file.
